How to make love to thirty-three famous women and not die
The first trick is to stay alive for 40 years. Do not under any circumstance commit suicide; succumb to a terminal illness; drive an automobile by carelessness over a sheer cliff; or get murdered by a thief, disgruntled loner, enemy combatant, or jealous spouse. Begin making love to famous women when you turn 14 …
When you spot a famous woman in person, make love to her by any means necessary, in a manner that will satisfy both of you to your cores. Do not hesitate. Do not inundate her with minutiae concerning your more arcane or boring interests. Do not let her bore you with her minutiae. Do not act as if she is a space alien from a more advanced planet, unless you are from that planet, too. Do not pour your thoughts and feelings out like water from a tap … Who values tap water? Let her discover your heart and mind at her own pace. She will be thankful to have met such a judicious individual …
Cultivate fearlessness in your pursuit of the love of famous women, even in cases where that love is likely to destroy you completely. Rather than cling desperately to such destructive love for fear of its loss, allow it to blow itself up again and again, letting it go each time in order that it might rise from its own ashes, before grasping it once more …
In Korea, famous women tend to operate as teams. To preserve the harmony of the team, it’s imperative that you make love to all of them, though not necessarily all at once. You will have favourites, but you mustn’t play favourites unless you want the whole enterprise to blow up in your stupid face. The head that sticks above the others gets lopped off …
Some famous women are gals. Do you know what I mean? In their presence you’ll throw the word gal around willy-nilly. You’ll throw the following words around willy-nilly: reckon, darlin’, baby, y’all, come, back, now, y’hear, willy-nilly. Y’won’t feel artificial doing this. You’ll feel like a 100% natural person. A gal’ll make you feel good and natural all over. Just standing there, winking, she’ll make love seem like a joke you’re in on. Here’s what you do: without breaking the spell of your autonomous sensory meridian response, tell her that you’re undecided about whether to worship God or Satan. Watch sparks fly like the Fourth of July …
